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Growing up I was a game machine. I came up with “50 different games to play in a kitchen” before 3rd grade. I created everything from games with paper plates, “Frippins” and games you played while naked, “Beep-Beeps.”

In the last few years there has been an explosion in popularity for MMA. It’s often said that MMA spawned from discussions about who would win between experts of the various martial arts specialties. Thus, I feel that the world is ready for an expansion of MMA to involve animals. This is a game I played in my head for years as a child. Academia claims to have solved the age old question of lion versus tiger, so we need to move on. The world needs to know how 4 polar bears would fare against a great white shark and 2 lions.

I know, this would be totally inhumane and bring civilization back about 2000 years to the days of ancient Rome, but couldn’t we find a way to answer the many questions that I have from my childhood virtually without the mass slaughter of people and animals?

Oh, and the hippo would definitely destroy a team of bullfighters but if the bullfighters had a cougar on their side? Let the debate begin.

So now that we’ve covered how much I hate it when people cut in line, I’ll get to the subject at hand.

I commute each day into work, and it takes slightly longer than half an hour each way. That being said, I see lots of different people driving around town. Granted I do commute to work each day in Oregon, where the best drivers in the country reside. Still, idiots are everywhere.

So when I see the lady from White Van Shuttle going about 65 in a 30 zone weaving in and out of traffic, I wonder if she’s really doing her company a service. (this happened yesterday) I know that if I ever need to get to my hotel incredibly fast and haven’t gone on a roller-coaster recently, they’d be my best bet.

The real question I have is about the people who have bumper stickers, emblems, or other stuff on their cars. If you see someone with an Obama 08 sticker on their car and they cut you off, do you vote for Hillary? Or what about the people with the Jesus fish? They’re doing stupid stuff all the time on the road, but I notice it probably because they’re the most common of all car decorations. Isn’t that unfair to the rest of the flock, if not Jesus himself? Shouldn’t there be some roving Jesus fish wardens who can taketh away from the idiot who always drives up to the front of the on-ramp and swerves in front of the 55 of us who have been waiting to get on I-205?

I expect that type of behavior from the guy with the “Lost your cat? Try checking under my tires” sticker (or the Wal-Mart driver), but not from the van filled with Code Pink protesters.

I fear the day when the cereal and cookies truck with the wikipedia bumper sticker cuts me off. I’ll starve to death both intellectually and physically.

Let me start by saying that one of my biggest pet peeves is people who
cut in line. (Wal-Mart is not a pet peeve, it goes much deeper)

One of my favorite stories is the time when I was in an airport in a somewhat out of the way Chinese city. After paying the various random airport taxes and wading through the regulations, it came time for me to go through security. When I arrived in China I quickly realized that lines were a microcosm of “who in this general vicinity is the most important/powerful.” As the only white person within a 5 mile radius, I unexpectedly won every contest. So, as I walked up to the security checkpoint and got in the back of the “line” I fouled up the hierarchy of the whole gate area. You see, the “line” in front of me looked more like a big mass of people. The businessmen in nice suits were up front, on the edges, cutting in front of everyone. The older people were in the middle, close to the front, using all the dirty tricks they’d learned from decades of Chinese “line” formation. In the back of the line were the young kids and the families who were obviously less well off.

My arrival didn’t pose a problem until the first businessman/old person tried to push up and cut in to try to take their normal place in the Chinese “line”. One by one, they hurried toward the front, only to see me standing at the back of the line. They couldn’t pass the skinny white guy because it would break some unwritten rule, so they all began fighting for position directly behind me. I absolutely loved it. I couldn’t help giving the cheesy businessmen/party bosses a quick look of “what the hell do you think you’re doing” every time they tried to walk by me. So, for the next
fifteen minutes I relished the fact that I had changed the organizational paradigm of a Chinese airport.

Tomorrow I will explain what this has to do with the title of the post, although you can probably figure it out. Now I have to go get in bed before the “you have to sleep on the couch rule” is invoked.

This blows my mind, and serves as yet another reminder as to how the once lovable losers from Boston have become the new Yankees. While more than 20,000 “fans” have signed the petition, my unscientific review leads me to believe that for every Pats believer who signs there are 5 fans ready to mock their misery.

I leave you with Mr. Charisma himself, Bill Belichick.

In response to Zach’s resolutions, I thought I’d go over my list of things to do and areas in need of improvement. I had an eventful 2007, it was definitely a year I’ll never forget, but 2008 should be no less eventful. I think it will be easiest to categorize these by priority:

The Locks:
Run a marathon with my wife.
Possibly this one, but if we could somehow find a cheap one overseas this fall, I’d be sold. Also, we’re going to run a half marathon beforehand. We did this one a few years ago and had a blast.

Do some major home improvement. Leaky roof, you’re on notice….

Decide what I want to do career-wise. Preferably I’ll get a certification of some sort that can help me move onward and upward. I’m also looking at MBA programs, but if any of our blog readers know of any six figure cereal-eating jobs, I’m your man.

Take a honeymoon. I’m thinking this place would be cool:

The Maybes

Move out of our house, preferably to somewhere fun. Really, anywhere where the average age is <64 will be okay with us.

Move out of the country. I’m betting on this place, and if it works out, you guys can come too.

Play rugby for another year. We’ll see what the doctor says about my wrist this week, but I might become a full-time touch player.

Actively campaign for a presidential candidate. If a certain lady we’ll call “Millary Hinton” wins the nomination, I just might volunteer for a guy named “Vaughn McLane”.

The Longshots:

Win the lottery. I have my ticket, and island above would be my first (and only) purchase.

Cut down on donuts and cookies in favor of healthier items.

Bet way more money on the Giants the next time some idiot in Vegas gives me 12 free points!! You would have to be an idiot to think that the Patriots were actually going to cover that spread. When I was in Vegas last week I put 5 on the Giants, and I will rue the day because I didn’t multiply that by 50.

(This only goes in longshots because the Pats will never be as overrated as they were for the playoffs, betting purposes only)

Good luck to me!

The 2008 presidential campaign really is bringing out the stars. Oprah is out stumping for Barack Obama, and Chuck “I don’t throw up, I throw down” Norris is kicking communist ass for Mike Huckabee.

What I didn’t know is that in addition to being an incredible speller (my preferred major in college when I was 6), Pat Sajak is also a conservative blogger! He hasn’t spent any time stumping for a candidate because he’s been spending a lot of time trying to figure out global warming.

In his latest column, he poses 10 questions “to which I have been unable to find definitive answers.” Now I’m not an expert at global warming or spelling, but I do suggest that Pat takes his own advice from his previous column which describes how the average joe shouldn’t look to celebrities for political advice. For that matter, why would he listen to me?